PTSD AND ME

I was just graduating high school while my future husband returned from the Viet Nam war. He had been drafted in 1967-'68. He was 19 years old and his whole life was ahead of him. While serving his country in a foreign land his life was taken from him.....he turned 21 in Viet Nam. No family to celebrate with ...just his new best buds...who were also "serving their country". Nobody knows better than I, how thick these friendships would remain throughout our married life. Any other serviceman (especially Viet Nam vets) was an automatic "brother".

I was a week-end hippie. I had flowers in my hair, hitch-hiked wherever I needed to go and believed that Timothy Leary made a good point regarding: mind expansion. I expanded my mind alright...almost blew it, but being a survivor, myself...I picked myself up and carried on. Being born in 1951, my entire teen years were spent in the 60's (age 10-18). There were two influences: peace and love, war and hate. I lived on the theory: make love not war, although everynight on our black and white television...we saw war. Later in my life I wondered if that stress drove the hippies to take a stance and numb to ourselves from the extreme stress of watching real people (kids) die everyday...every night. I remember thinking "I cannot watch this anymore". I buried my head in the sand of drugs and moved about as peacefully as possible. I did not partake in protesting (more violence) rather went to a LOVE-IN as often as possible. Our town had a drug park called: LAIR HILL.

I remember the first time I heard the music from far off and being drawn to it like a moth to light. My friend and I were walking down the hill from the County Hospital (which was located above the park) we knew exactly what it was...we could not wait to get there. Far out people gathering with each other in peace and love. We could forget about everything: the corporate world, the greed and the Viet Nam war. We saw open love, open marriage and open drug use. The police did not frequent this park, but made a showing from time to time. Down around the corner was my favorite store: THE PSYCHEDELIC SUPERMARKET, which was one of the first "head" shops. It smelled of Nag Champa incense and had a black light room, where one could sit and reflect..enjoying their "high" staring at the posters which shown brightly amidst the smokey blue hue. If you had dropped acid..you could simply "trip" there. You could buy papers. rolling stone mags and peace logos. I loved that little store. I knew nothing of my future life, which would become a battle field...a war zone...

Before hippies, I had loved the beatniks (Maynard G Krebbs) and loved nothing more than attending a cafe expresso (yes, back then it was known as ex-presso vs. espresso as we know it today). A dark night at a cafe lounge listening to poetry readings and snapping instead of clapping. Bazaar as it sounds I can still feel the love.

I grew out of this phase (to a degree) but it is also my essence, my roots..my beautiful rose colored view of the world. Much better than the dark places my future husband had to dwell in. He was busy drinking his life away, drinking the war away, it was a terrible waste of a decent human soul. He was lost. He had been a short-timer for the last thirty days of his tour...when he was plucked from the jungle (get your gear-you're leaving on this flight) and dropped back into society. His joke is that he arrived back in the States, the day before he left Viet Nam. He was spat upon and called a baby-killer. He was not de-briefed or prepared in any way shape or form to be without his gun, wandering about in the city. The service had dis-serviced him and because most folks were against that war (or police conflict as some called it) there was no hoopla or parade or any other kind of support. He went to viet Nam alone and returned...alone.

We met in 1973. We have been married for 36 years. I have a lot of first-hand information regarding: living with PTSD. I have inside information...I am the wife of a combat vet suffering from PTSD (100% disabled) If you want more just tell me.

Peace and Love